


Yet Another Battle in the Land of Zaron.

by FeliciaAmelloides



Series: A Oneshot a Day... [85]
Category: South Park
Genre: Big battle, F/F, Fight Scenes, Gen, I swear, Prince Kelly, Sexual Tension, Stick of Truth AU, genderbent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-08 04:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14096976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeliciaAmelloides/pseuds/FeliciaAmelloides
Summary: On a crisp winter’s afternoon in one of the great Northern forests of Zaron, two huge armies are lined up for one of the greatest battles to be fought in the entire game.But who will emerge victorious with the Stick of Truth in her hand?((Genderbent Stick of Truth AU))





	Yet Another Battle in the Land of Zaron.

**Author's Note:**

> I finally wrote something good (compared to my own writing)!
> 
> This took me two hours to write, so I didn’t have any time to write the oneshot I was supposed to write today (I really wanted to), but I did write this!
> 
> The reason why it took me so long was because I based this off of artwork. Since I made the AU before thinking of a plot, I decided to draw the genderbent Main Four in their SoT outfits while I thought of something to do with them. I changed my art style entirely for the drawing because I wanted it to look more like Western cartoons than manga, so it took a long time.
> 
> I also was very distracted by the arrival of my Steven Universe Art & Origins Book (and also the book version of The Answer). As well as literally confirming Stevonnie, it has a lot of interesting future plot points and a great insight into the production of SU! I’d recommend it if you’re in that fandom.
> 
> Anyway, on with the oneshot!

A typical day in South Park, around lunch time-

Sorry, let’s start that again.

It was a crisp winter day in the Land of Zaron. The sun was high in the sky, but no bird sang in the trees that day other than the carrier ravens. Storm clouds darkened the skies, and death seemed to hang in the air, apprehensive.

The Great Northern Forest of Zaron was to be the site of a large battle that day. Everyone currently involved in the fight for the Stick of Truth was to be there. The Drow Elves, the Humans, the Pirates, the Goths, mercenaries on all sides, a few of the boys and even the Trekkies were playing that day, for this fight could determine everything.

At the centre of the forest, in a wide, open clearing sometimes used by the elves for meetings when their parents let them go out, stood two opposing forces.

Erica Cartman, Grand Witch of the Kingdom Of Kupa Keep (affectionately known by its denizens as the KKK), glared at her arch-rival with her most intimidating look, one hand resting on the finely carved surface of her magical staff, her preferred method of channelling the incredible magic power lying within her. Well, her second-most preferred method. The best method had to be the one which annoyed the High Elf of the Drow the most...

The High Elf in question was standing opposite her nemesis, crown sculpted from the branches of the sacred elven World Tree glistening atop her head and powerful golf club at the ready. Kylie Broflovski stared at Cartman fiercely, although her expression was rather even and planned out. She wanted to seem like the cool, diplomatic High Elf of Zaron she was destined to be, not some pissed off redneck kid from a mountain town in Colorado. However, Cartman planned on changing that.

“Hey Jew. I see your army still totally sucks balls.” She greeted the elf with a smirk. Hisses and growls echoed around the clearing from Kylie’s army, and her top soldier, Ranger Stacey Marshwalker, rested a hand upon her sword in preparation for battle.

“Stop belittling my people you fucking fatass! And at least my army has proper weapons! I mean, your totally out of place barbarian is holding a frying pan for God’s sake! And look at Kelly. How is a _riding crop_ going to help you when using it gives you a timeout?” The ginger elf furiously ranted, heat rising to her face in anger. They had had many arguments in the past over whether Tweek Tweak, local spazz and possible meth addict, was allowed to be in the game as a barbarian or not. Erica argued that the savage islands in the South had barbarians, whilst Kylie believed that Tweek wasn’t fitting in with the lore of Zaron, which was supposed to be Medieval Western Europe era high fantasy. Tweek herself twitched and let out a small yelp as soon as she was mentioned.

“Hey! _Lord_ McCormick’s riding crop is an excellent weapon!” Erica argued back, easily falling into the swing of a classic Cartman-Broflovski war of words. The riding crop was considered to be an unfair weapon by a few of the game moderators since Kelly’s signature bow was already pretty OP. Other game mods, however, didn’t have a problem with it. This led to a brief scuffle amongst them before a compromise was reached: the crop had a magical charge on it which was dispelled each time it was used. Although this made it even more OP, it had a catch. Kelly had to miss two turns to recuperate after each use. If she attacked before the two turns had passed, she died and couldn’t continue play until an official healer had resurrected her.

Kelly flipped her regal light blue cape as she took a step towards Erica with all the grace and dignity of a young prince, “As per usual, my lady’s opinion is excellent. And it’s _Prince_ Kelly to you, impudent elf.” She smoothly executed the line in a scarily brilliant impersonation of a male voice, muffled by the silk wrapping over her mouth. 

“Why did you have to join Cartman’s side, _your highness_? Can’t you see that she’s using you?” Kylie tried, speaking the Prince’s title through gritted teeth. Kelly randomly signing up for the game as a boy was confusing as hell. 

“Oh, Kylie... I didn’t have to join the Grand Witch’s side you know~ I _chose_ to join!” Kelly’s eyes flashed with a mischievous smile as she returned to her previous position. Erica cut in.

“Obviously he joined me because humans are the best and elves are lame!” Cartman declared with an air of self-righteousness. Then she paused as if in thought, before adding with a vicious smirk, “And because _we_ actually accepted him for who he is of course... Unlike you elves, humans value accepting everyone. We accept all people into our kingdom, Kahlie~ Mages, Warriors, Thieves, Barbarians, Princes, and even Jews!” 

“Shut the hell up fatass! What do you know about accepting people?” The crowd around the two leaders started to draw their weapons and forget about their attachments in preparation for battle. It wouldn’t be long until their leaders’ ‘discussion’ became a full on fight.

“Clearly a whole lot more than you, elvish scum!” As the two argued, they slowly got closer to each other until at this point they were almost nose-to-nose. This made it all the more easy for Kylie, who took that comment from _Erica Cartman_ , one of the most racist people she’d ever met, as the last straw, to swing her golf club straight into the Grand Witch’s rather prominent stomach. 

Erica let out a yell of pain and raised her staff. “Okay... That’s _it_! I’m gonna end you!” She charged towards Kylie with a magical fireball at the ready, and the battle between the Drow Elves and the Humans finally began.

For many hours, the forest was completely taken over by the screams, grunts, sighs and groans of battle combined with the clashing of swords, twanging of bows and bangs of various magical spells sent ricocheting into the heat of battle. In the centre of this mess, Ranger Marshwalker and Prince Kelly were fighting fiercely as their respective leaders fought beside them. Stacey was badly injured from one of the charges of Kelly’s riding crop, but the prince wasn’t faring much better. ‘His’ once-pristine red velvet waistcoat (stolen from a ratty pair of curtains lying in a dumpster) was muddy and torn, and ‘his’ glorious cloak hung in tatters from ‘his’ shoulders. 

“Give it up, Kelly. The Elves have won.” Stacey said hoarsely, attempting to make peace before they both died. Kelly simply laughed and shook her head, briefly reaching up to adjust her wig so it didn’t fall off. Why she insisted on wearing that bright orange parka underneath her costume- sorry, princely attire- no one really knew, but it was a stupid move.

“You and I both know I can’t do that, Stace. My dear Grand Witch would be most displeased with me. And I’d really rather not deplete all of Paladin Marjorine’s healing powers when so many brave souls need them more than I do.” Spoken like a true chivalrous knight. Or a prince in this case. Stacey had to hand it to her, Kelly really knew how to stay in character. 

“Then surrender. Or even better, join our side. Fight for the elves. Cartman doesn’t stand a chance against us. Please, your highness!” Although the ranger sounded sincere, Stacey wasn’t just begging the prince for a chance to stop fighting. She was actually waiting for the cooldown on her own ability to subside so she could defeat Kelly once and for all.

But what she didn’t count on was Kelly’s ability cooling down first.

“Sorry, Ranger,” Kelly started, subtly drawing her riding crop from its hold at her side, “But my loyalty lies with Kupa Keep!” She yelled as she blasted the dark-haired ranger with a beam of golden light pouring out of her crop. Stacey cried out, falling to the floor in a melodramatic manner as her blue helmet was knocked to the floor. Her ponytail flew out behind her and fanned out into the grass as she closed her eyes to symbolise death. Kelly rolled her own eyes, noting all the ways Stacey was doing an awful job of pretending to be dead as she took her shit and headed back into the fray.

Meanwhile, Erica and Kylie were at each other’s throats. With the High Elf’s agility and the Grand Witch’s endurance (apparently being ‘big boned’ gave her more hit points), they were fairly evenly matched in battle, meaning that their fights always ended up being half slap fight, half verbal argument. 

“You fight like a Jew, Kahlie.” The mispronunciation of her name which barely made any sense combined with the jab at her faith infuriated Kylie to no end, and she let out a scream of frustration as she aimed for Cartman’s eye with her golf ball. Releasing the ball with ease, she allowed herself a satisfied smile as it hit its target. Erica yelled in surprise, then fired a quick succession of fireballs straight at the ginger. Luckily, she was able to dodge all of them easily. 

“If you weren’t such a fatass you might be able to dodge my attacks, asshole!” She shouted back, resisting the urge to grin at the glare Erica gave her in response.

“I’m not fat, you fucking dick! I’m big boned!” Cartman, now fairly pissed off at the elf, just straight up ran at her with her staff at the ready, catching her off guard enough to jab her in the face with the pointed tip. Kylie flinched, pain shooting through the area just under her eye. She renewed her attack, this time sending a vine up from the floor to wrap around Erica’s staff arm. This time, however, she was able to dodge it.

“Ha! I always told you elves couldn’t use magic!” Erica taunted as she prepared another spell. Kylie saw red.

“Shut up!” She found herself screaming yet again from the intense aura of fury crackling through the air between her and Cartman. It was an intoxicating feeling; something she both hated to her very core and couldn’t get enough of at the same time. Before she could dwell on the homoerotic implications of that, she was dodging one of Erica’s fireballs and launching an attack of her own.

Within a few minutes, Kylie found herself straddling Erica with the golf club held in a vice-like grip against the fat human’s neck. Their cheeks were flushed and their breathing was laboured, with both girls suffering from (in-game) severe injuries.

There was only one problem stopping Kylie from emerging victorious- Erica’s staff was pointed right between her eyes.

They were at a standstill: a perfect stalemate. No external players were allowed to interact with the leaders of their factions during a one-on-one battle, and most of the fights around them were already drawing to a close. The Elves had won this one by a landslide, although the caffeine-fuelled rampage of Tweek Tweak and her surprisingly powerful frying pan aided by the stoic, agile, clone-producing thief Feldspar, sword-wielding warrior Clyde and high-level, incredibly skilled diplomat Toke had caused a stirring on the other side of the clearing which led to many casualties on both sides. Fortunately for the Elves, the moment Toke was defeated the remaining three were revealed to have no heals left between them, and when Feldspar was subsequently taken down it was _then_ revealed that both Tweek and Clyde were totally useless without their teammates, allowing the fearsome foursome to be finally defeated.

So the defeated and the weak paused in their battles to watch their leaders in the grass, each stock still and waiting in apprehension for the other’s next move. 

“I swear, Cartman, by the moon and the stars in the sky, I _will_ kick your fat ass!” Kylie uttered through heavy breaths as she prepared to take the final blow. Erica’s eyes widened, but quickly she smiled and said in a low voice so that their spectators didn’t hear,

“Didn’t realise I touched your heart at the basketball game so much, Kahlie~” Kylie looked at her suspiciously.

“What?” Confusion and suspicion brewed in her mind as the cogs behind the emerald film of her eyes turned and turned, searching for a solution. Erica watched with interest, wondering for a moment if perhaps Kylie had forgotten that time long ago.

“I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky!~” Erica repeated those familiar song lyrics, half speaking and half singing. The precise moment the place she’d stolen those lines from clicked into Kylie’s mind was perfect. Immediately the elf sprang backwards, mortified blush beating her face as she completely forgot about the stalemate. 

Although the urge to tease the ginger was strong, Cartman decided to resist. The Stick Of Truth was a much better prize than that enticing look on Kylie’s face when she was embarrassed, Erica decided as every stupid part of her screamed out the opposite. 

“Tch. And here I was beginning to think that maybe Jews _can_ show some backbone,” Erica gave into the temptation a little in the time it took to draw the finishing blow. She could hear Stacey groan in frustration at the sudden defeat in the background. It only fuelled her smugness, “Thanks for proving me wrong Kahlie~” 

And with that, Kylie was sent flying backwards into the trees at the edge of the clearing.

**Author's Note:**

> Toke and Clyde are, weirdly enough, rare girl names. Clyde was gonna be called Clare, but then I didn’t put it in because it would cause confusion. 
> 
> Jimmy and Timmy were going to be in this as Gemma (idk on that one) and Tilly, but I never found a place for them.
> 
> Also, the one time Kyle said the ‘I Swear’ thing when I battled with him (he was almost constantly my partner from the moment I unlocked him, and yet he only said it ONCE) actually gave me life. I’m pretty sure that Cartman told Kyle to suck his balls when he fainted during the final battle once as well. He mentioned Kyle at least... The last part was muttered on his dying breath.
> 
> This oneshot is the result of me fantasising about Jack Merridew (aka- angry ginger) constantly and also from me reading an amazing Kyman SoT AU on here a few days ago. It also follows the prompt, as you can see...
> 
> Prompt- Genderbend.
> 
> Original Number- 132.


End file.
